A Thin Red Line
by Just Ducky 722
Summary: Ashley has found a new way to deal with her problems. A new dangerous way. This story is completed, and a sequel (Silent Screams) is also finished.
1. Introduction

Necessary Disclaimer: I obviously don't own any of these characters. This seems so unnecessary, because this is fan fiction, so obviously I'm a fan. If I really did own Degrassi, this story wouldn't be here, it'd show up on the TV show. But I figure I probably don't want to get sued, so here's the disclaimer.   
  
A Warning: I don't know how many cutters will be reading this, but it could be triggering. Some of you are looking for triggers, and nothing I say will put you off reading this. Fine. But for those of you who are just starting to recover, reading this might be a bad idea. As a matter of fact, it's probably not even a good idea for me to write this story, because its triggering me, but eh. Sometimes, you just need to write about it. Just thought I'd warn you. 


	2. Just the beginning

Morning was not her best time of the day, Ashley decided, as she got ready for school. She wasn't looking forward to facing another day full of crap from Paige. Terri, her best friend, didn't even care about her anymore, and she wasn't going out with anyone. Jimmy wouldn't even look twice at her. In fact, if he looked one, he'd probably spit on her.   
  
It hurt a lot. She had only let it show once, during picture day. That was it. After that, she didn't show emotion again. What was the point? That day only earned her another topic for Paige's jeering, and there was no sense in giving her any more material.   
  
That was the worst. Paige hated her so much; even crying wasn't enough to stop the teasing. Which is why Ashley decided she wouldn't cry anymore. It certainly didn't get her friends back.   
  
With that happy though, she ran to catch the bus for school. 


	3. First encounter

Usually when Ashley got home, she wrote in her journal about her day. But today was different. She was not up to reliving that awful day. It got harder and harder for her to go through school with no real permanent friends; she was alone all the time.   
  
Nobody was home, and there was a note on the fridge.  
  
"Taken Toby for a doctor's appointment. Be back in a few hours (I'm taking him out for dinner after). Order a pizza if you want, money's on the counter. Love you, Mom and Jeff"  
  
Ashley said a silent prayer of thanks. She loved her family, she really did, but sometimes she needed a break from them. They just hung around all the time! It was hard even getting her mind to think straight. She liked the solitude.   
  
After she had headed upstairs to change her clothes, Ashley decided she didn't really want pizza for dinner, so she pulled out some of the veggies in the fridge. "A salad would be good," she thought to herself. "Maybe I can cheer myself up. God I hate Paige!" She couldn't help but let a tear escape. She knew she promised herself she wouldn't cry, but today had been especially horrible. "I can't believe Paige would do that to me! Tripping me in the middle of the lunchroom! My clothes will be stained forever. But the humiliation...knowing everyone knew why Paige hated her..." Ashley stopped herself. "I promised myself I wouldn't think about this," she scolded, out loud.   
  
But she couldn't help it; her mind just kept reliving the horrible embarrassment. And then...  
  
"Ouch!" she cried, accidentally cutting herself with the knife she was using to cut up veggies. "Damn, that hurt!" She headed over to the sink to wash out the cut; it was bleeding an awful lot. Just as she was about to stick it under the water, she paused. The cut was really deep, and the blood was coming out along a thin red line, before spilling into drops in the sink.   
  
"It almost...feels good," Ashley whispered to herself, fascinated. She felt like the day's events were draining with the blood, she felt so calm and relaxed for the first time all day.   
  
The moment didn't last too long.  
  
"This is sick!" she exclaimed, giving the cut one last glance before washing it off and covering it with a band-aid. She quickly finished up the salad she was making (being extra careful not to cut herself) and told herself to put the thought of the cut out of her mind as she ate the salad. 


	4. Escaping

Her mom, Jeff, and Toby got home soon after she had finished dinner.  
  
"Hey honey, did you order a pizza?" her mom asked.  
  
"Nah, I wasn't in the mood. I had a salad instead," Ashley replied.  
  
"A salad, how...healthy of you. Unfortunately, we didn't make quite as good of a decision, nutritionally. We had burgers. I thought all teenagers were supposed to be crazy about junk food?" Jeff said, teasing her.  
  
"Well, usually. But not always," Ashley replied.  
  
"What's the band aid for, Ashley?" Toby asked, pointing out the one thing Ashley didn't want to talk about. He really had a knack for that.  
  
"I cut myself chopping up the veggies. Its no big deal, I washed it out," she replied, mostly to reassure her parents.  
  
"Oh, well, as long as it's okay now," her mother said, still a little concerned.  
  
"Yeah, it happened like, and hour ago. I'd even forgotten it happened," Ashley said.   
  
"You kids have any homework to do?" Jeff asked, taking on the role of responsible parent.   
  
"Nope, I finished it in school," Toby said.  
  
"I have some left. I think I'll work on it upstairs, where it'll be quite," Ashley said, wanting to get away from everyone.  
  
"All right, but if you need some help, let us know," Jeff said.  
  
"Yeah, thanks," Ashley said, making a quick escape up to her bedroom. She needed some time to think, and she definitely didn't want to do this kind of thinking in front of anyone. Mom and Jeff always got a little nervous when she brooded for too long. They knew a bit of how school life was for her (although she didn't tell them all of it), and although they knew she had Ellie as a friend, they were still concerned. They had an almost paranoid fear of her becoming depressed. 


	5. Reassurance

Once Ashley got up to her room, she pulled out her math book. She did all her homework in class, but she figured if anyone came up, she could at least look like she was doing something. Once she had gotten her fake homework set up, she pulled off the band-aid. A thin line went part way across her palm. No more blood though, she had cleaned it up well, and it hadn't bleed since.   
  
She ran her finger carefully over it, not wanting to cause it to start bleeding again. On an otherwise perfect hand, it was the only imperfection. It reminded her of school. She had always had a pretty good life, no real problems, until now. Now was her life's only blemish, only imperfection.  
  
Ashley knew she should be thinking of the perverse pleasure in bleeding as another problem, but she couldn't. If it felt so good, how could it be wrong, how could it be a problem?   
  
Ok, so even Ashley could see the fault in logic in that statement. Druggies said drugs made them feel good, but that was different. They were killing off brain cells; she was just losing a little blood.   
  
"Maybe it was just a one time thing," she thought to herself. "Maybe it'll never feel good again. But how can I be sure?"   
  
That question had an obvious answer. The one way she could prove to herself that cutting felt good was only a one-time thing was to do it again.   
  
"It has to be a one-time thing. I'll never like it again. But just to reassure myself..."  
  
Ashley pulled out a one of those crazy key chains, the one that had a million gadgets on it. She kept it in her desk, because she couldn't take it to school; it would be considered a weapon. She pulled out the knife attachment of it.   
  
The knife's blade was smooth, she noticed right away, just like the knife she had cut herself with. That was good, because she didn't want it to have a serrated edge; she knew she wouldn't like it again, so she might as well make it as easy as possible.   
  
"Ashley?" a voice called, for her. It was her mom. "Can I come in?"  
  
"Shit," Ashley thought to herself. "This will have to wait until later. She shoved the knife back in the drawer and said, "Sure, come on in. I'm nearly finished with my homework." 


	6. Plans

"I wanted to know if you'd like to watch a movie downstairs with Jeff and I," her mom said.  
  
"Where's Toby?" she asked, not really caring, but stalling for time to figure out an excuse to not watch the movie.   
  
"At a friends house. So, you up for a movie?"   
  
"Actually, I think I'll hang out up here," Ashley replied. "Maybe I'll call Ellie," she said, thinking quickly, grateful to come up with a good excuse.   
  
"Oh, that's nice. Well, I'll leave you to it," her mom said, leaving the room.  
  
"Damn," Ashley swore to herself. "Now I really do have to call Ellie, or mom will wonder what's up." Ashley thought quickly. "But I guess that's okay. She wasn't in school today, and I probably should call to she if she's okay anyway." Sometimes Ashley forgot to do friendly things like that after a day spend feeling miserable.   
  
She dialed and waited until someone picked up. It sounded like Ellie.  
  
"Hey, is Ellie there?"  
  
"Yeah, its me. What's up Ashley?" Ellie asked, recognizing her voice.  
  
"Nothing over here, really," Ashley said, obviously lying. Something was up, but she didn't want to talk about it. "I was just wonering how you were feeling. You were gone today," she said lamely. "What a stupid thing to say, she's knows she was gone!" Ashley scolded herself, silently.   
  
"Yeah, I took the day off," Ellie said. "I felt pretty miserable this morning, but now I feel a little better. Actually, much better; it must be the 5 hours extra sleep I got while you were in school."  
  
"I wish I had gotten an extra day of sleep. Or a day of anything but school."  
  
"Paige being a bitch again?" Ellie asked, concerned.  
  
"Yeah, and I ended up with a lunch tray all over my shirt to prove it."  
  
"That really sucks," Ellie sympathized. "Paige is horrible. But hey, today's Friday, and we have all weekend. I'm busy today; Marco is coming over to 'heal me' he said. But I'm free all day tomorrow. Want to do something?"  
  
Ashley though for a second. By tomorrow she's have this whole 'enjoying pain' thing figured out, and she'd love company.   
  
"Yeah, that'd be great. We can say mean horrible things about Paige," Ashley said.  
  
"Ok, I'll be at your house around noon, that sound okay to you?"   
  
"Great," Ashley said, really meaning it. "I'll see you then."  
  
"Ok, bye," Ellie said hanging up.  
  
Ashley hung up too, and then turned back to her desk drawer, where the knife was still laying. 


	7. The first time

She kind of stared at the knife after pulling it out of the drawer. What she was about to do, well, it would hurt. Ashley knew it would, because cutting hurts. At least, that's what she thought, but of course, last time it didn't hurt like it was supposed to. It hurt, but it felt good at the same time, and getting cut was not supposed to feel good.  
  
"Well," she thought to herself, "it won't hurt any worse than the things Paige has said and done to me. It won't hurt as much as Terri ignoring me. It won't hurt as much as losing my boyfriend did."   
  
Thinking this got her mad, and she decided the best thing for her would be to just do it and get it over with. She decided she'd cut on her upper thigh. No one would see it there, as long as she didn't wear short shorts. She pulled up the skirt she was wearing; just above the point where she wanted to cut. Slowly, she put the blade to her skin, almost chickening out. But she reminded herself of how much pain Paige had caused her, and that it couldn't be any worse. Her mind wandered a bit, reliving the lunch hour, and how humiliated she felt.   
  
Quickly, before she could change her mind, she dragged the blade a few inches across her thigh, shallow the first time through. But then she thought, "If I'm going to do this, I'll do it right." Then she dragged the blade across the same spot again, this time deeper, drawing blood.   
  
A thin red line bubbled over the cut, collecting blood. When the line of blood got to heavy, it turned into a drip, running down her thigh.   
  
And again, just like the first time, all the anger, humiliation, and frustration she felt towards the day's events melted. All she thought about was the drop of blood running down her thigh.   
  
But then she panicked. "Oh my God, what if someone walks in?!" Quickly, she grabbed a tissue, and soaked up the blood. She pressed the tissue to the cut, and headed to the bathroom, just a few feet down the hall.  
  
The moment she got in there, she locked the door and sat down on the toilet seat cover. Pulling the tissue off, she saw it had quickly soaked up a lot of blood. She grabbed a wad of toilet paper, with the intent of soaking up the rest of the blood, but she found herself watching it collect again. It collected into a red line again, until it spilled into a huge drop, and headed down her leg. Soaking up the drop, she pressed the toilet paper wad to her leg, determined not to watch the blood with such sick fascination anymore.   
  
She stuck with that resolve for about a minute, and then pulled the tissue away. But by that time it had stopped bleeding, so there was nothing more to watch.   
  
As she washed the cut off with water, she realized she felt empty. But it wasn't a bad empty; she didn't feel hopeless. She felt empty of all the hurt.   
  
After cleaning it up, she covered it back up with her skirt, and headed back to her room. 


	8. Troubling

That night, Ashley just stared at the ceiling above her bed. She couldn't believe she had done it; done it and liked it. She actually liked cutting herself. No matter how hard she tried, she found herself picturing the blood in her mind over and over again.   
  
"This is sick, this is so sick," she insisted to herself over and over again, trying to put the thought out of her mind, but she couldn't. She slowly admitted to herself that she didn't really actually think it was sick. She just kept telling herself that because she knew she should think it was sick. Intentionally cutting skin, well, that's just disturbing. Or it was supposed to be. Ashley didn't really think it was anymore. It felt so good, so right.   
  
With the thought of blood and knives in her head, she drifted off into sleep. 


	9. Marco

The next day, she woke up at 11. There wasn't much to do until Ellie came over. Ashley took a shower, changed clothes. As she was pulling on a pair of pants, she stopped and stared at her leg. The bloody cut from yesterday was just a thin red line now. Just looking at it made her feel ashamed of herself.  
  
"What would my parents say? What would Ellie say?" she asked herself, knowing the answer. "They'd be so ashamed of me, and so worried too." She thought a minute. "I won't do it again, I swear. It was just a one time thing, and it'll never happen again." She took on last look at the cut, pulled on her pants, and finished getting ready.   
  
Ashley finished getting ready just in time too. Moments later, the doorbell was ringing.  
  
"Ashley? Ellie's here," her mom called to her up the stairs.  
  
"Coming mom!"  
  
Ashley and Ellie headed up to Ashley's bedroom. Ellie plopped down on Ashley's bed, and Ashley took her desk chair.  
  
"So, how did Marco try to 'heal you'?" Ashley asked, remembering what Ellie had said yesterday.  
  
"Oh, that. He brought me some chicken noodle soup, without the chicken, and chanted over my bed, mostly as a joke. The soup was good, but I don't think the chanting helped me any," Ellie giggled, remembering.  
  
"He is the nicest guy," Ashley remarked.  
  
"You know, I don't know why you don't ever hang out with us. It'd be fun, and I'm sure he'd like you."  
  
"Oh, you know, three's a crowd and all that. Besides, what would I do, tag along on your dates?" Ashley asked, half joking.  
  
"You're never a crowd. Wait, that didn't make sense," Ellie giggled. "What I meant was, Marco and I would love to have you around. I never have a problem sharing my friends."  
  
"Well, okay, that might be fun."  
  
"Want me to call him now?"  
  
Ashley thought about this for a second. She hadn't honestly expected Ellie to mean what she said. But why shouldn't she; she wasn't Paige!   
  
"Sure, um, okay! That sounds good," Ashley said, handing Ellie the phone.   
  
Ellie had a quick conversation with Marco. "He said we should walk over there, is that okay with you?"  
  
"Great!" Ashley said, and they headed downstairs.  
  
After letting her mom know what was going on, they started walking the few blocks to Marco's house.   
  
"So, what'd Paige do to you yesterday?"   
  
Ashley's smile fell off her face. "Well, besides a few snide comments, which she obviously felt weren't enough, she tripped me at lunch. Falling on my face wouldn't have been so bad; I'm used to being a klutz, but I was holding my lunch tray."   
  
"Oh no!" Ellie cried, seeing what was coming next.  
  
"Yeah. Splat went my tray all over my shirt. It has pernment lunch food stains all over it. I felt like such an loser, walking down to my gym locker to get my gym shirt. I felt even dumber having to wear it all day. It was like a huge flag, reminding the whole school of what an ass I am."  
  
"You're not an ass," Ellie reassured her.  
  
"I don't know. All I know is that I felt really stupid. God, I wish Paige would lay off me for a day, just a day."  
  
"Hey, here's Marco's house," Ellie said.  
  
Ashley tried to cheer up. "Excellent!"  
  
Ashley got home that night, late. It was about 11, and she was tired. She and Ellie and Marco had a lot of fun that day, just doing nothing.   
  
As Ashley got ready for bed, she took another look at the cut on her thigh. She felt nothing.  
  
"See," she told herself, "You don't need this. You can get to bed just fine."   
  
And she did. She finished getting ready for bed, and fell right asleep. 


	10. Paige

Sunday was uneventful. She always hung out with her family on Sunday's, and nothing very interesting happened that day, except that she won the mini golf game they played.   
  
She's had a good time though, and definitely wasn't looking forward to Monday. Ellie would be back at school, but Ellie couldn't protect her from Paige. If Paige wanted to torment her, she'd do it right in front of Ellie, or make it easy and get her alone. Ellie and Ashley only had lunch and gym together, so Paige's opportunities were endless.  
  
Monday morning, she caught the bus (almost missing it) and sat next to Ellie.   
  
"How was your Sunday?" she asked.  
  
"Oh you know, hung out with Marco since you weren't around. How was the day with your family?" Ellie asked.  
  
"Not bad. I won the game of mini golf we played together. Toby was so mad; I only beat him by one stroke,"  
  
"Impressive victory," Ellie joked.  
  
"Hey, it wasn't by a landslide or anything, but I still won!" Ashley said with false indignation.   
  
"Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say," Ellie retorted, as the bus pulled up to Degrassi. They walked to their lockers together, separating only when it was time for class.   
  
"Ellie's such a good friend; she tries to protect me as best as she can," Ashley thought. "But she shouldn't have to, I'm a big girl, I ought to protect myself."  
  
Ashley stepped into the computer lab; ready for class, and immediately knew it would be a bad day when she saw the look on Paige's face. She took her seat, which unfortunately was in whispering distance of Paige's seat.  
  
"Hey freak," Paige said, greeting Ashley. Ashley rolled her eyes. "How was the vampire convention this weekend? Pick up a lot of new tips for sucking the blood of innocent victims?"  
  
"I'm not a vampire, I just don't dress like Barbie doll."  
  
"No, I guess you're not a vampire. You're one of those depressive angsty teens, aren't you? Oh, look at me, poor me, I'm so depressed, everyone pay attention to me," Paige said, mocking her. "Hey what's that on your palm?" Paige asked, noticing the cut. Ashley hadn't worn a bandage over it today. "Oh, poor dear, you're so depressed that now you're slicing up your hand?"  
  
Ashley took in a sharp breath. She knew Paige couldn't possibly know that she had a cut on her leg that was intentional, but still…  
  
"I was cutting veggies, and the knife slipped. Obviously not a cry for attention," she said.  
  
"You keep telling yourself that, Goth. Tomorrow, I'll see slices on your wrist, I'm sure," Paige said, getting the last word in before the teacher began class. 


	11. Lunch

The day dragged on and on, until finally they got to lunch; Ashley's favorite time of the day.  
  
"Hey Ash, how's your day been?" Ellie asked.  
  
"Eh, not bad. It seems so long though," Ashley remarked.  
  
"Yeah, I know. I had math just before this class, and it felt like it'd just go on and on and on and on…"  
  
"Ok, ok, I get the point," Ashley said interrupting Ellie, laughing. "But I know what you mean."  
  
"So, any close encounters of the obnoxious kind?" Ellie asked, clearly wanting to know how bad Paige was tormenting her friend.  
  
"Well," Ashley said, hesitating. Sometimes she felt like a baby, telling Ellie all the things 'big mean Paige' said to her that day.  
  
"Out with it Ash," Ellie insisted.  
  
"Well, she's stopped calling me a vampire," Ashley said, avoiding the negative.  
  
"That's not so bad. Actually, that's really great, but why do I sense a but?"  
  
"Now she's calling me a depressed angsty teen, and accusing me of cutting myself," Ashley admitted.  
  
"No?! She's not really doing that, is she?"  
  
"Well, yeah, but that's not so horrible."  
  
"Yeah it is. That's a serious accusation. If people hear her and take her seriously, it could go too far. You could be talking to a social worker, if they really think you're cutting."  
  
"A social worker? Just for cutting myself?"  
  
"What do you mean, 'just for cutting myself'? Ash, that's really serious. Maybe I'll talk to Paige…"  
  
"No Ellie! I mean, I'm sure it'll just blow over, and she'll go back to calling me a vampire.   
  
"Well, okay, if you're sure."  
  
"Yeah, I'm positive, "Ashley said. "Hey, are you ready for that math test?"  
  
"I think so. I studied last night, but math isn't my best subject," Ellie said.  
  
"Well, good luck on it. I took it already, and it wasn't too hard. It wasn't exactly easy though," Ashley said, as the bell rang.  
  
"See you later," Ellie called.   
  
"Bye." 


	12. Paige again

The day went pretty quickly after that. The last two hours of Ashley's day didn't contain Paige, so she didn't have to deal with her. She headed over to her locker, grabbed her stuff, and headed over to Ellie's locker to wait for her. Someone tapped her on the shoulder.  
  
"Hon, you're standing in front of my locker," Paige said, her voice dripping with sarcasm when she said 'Hon'.   
  
"Sorry," Ashley said, avoiding Paige's eye. The last thing she wanted was a scene, and Ellie coming upon it. She really didn't want Ellie talking to Paige about what she was saying to her.   
  
"Yeah, well, just don't go cutting yourself over it. I'd hate to be your motivation to slice up your wrists."  
  
"Damn it Paige, I'm not cutting," Ashley said, quietly. The teachers at Degrassi were really strict about swearing.   
  
"Ooo, getting awfully defensive, aren't you? Isn't that the first sign of a problem? Denial?"  
  
Ashley started to panic. She knew Paige couldn't possibly know what was on her leg, but still…  
  
Luckily, Ashley saw Ellie walking down the hall, towards her. She headed down to meet her halfway. Paige took off; it wasn't as easy or as much fun to torment Ashley in from of Ellie. They were both freaks, but Ellie stood up better for herself.  
  
"Nice timing Ellie!" Ashley said.  
  
"She's such a jerk," Ellie remarked. "Sorry I took so long getting here. I hadn't quite finished my math test, and the teacher let me stay a few minutes more to try to finish, which I did. I think I may have actually managed an 'A'."  
  
"Impressive. So, you have a lot of homework tonight?" Ashley said, hoping they could do something together. She really wanted to take her mind off of Paige.  
  
"Actually, I do. And I have some relatives coming over, so I really can't do anything."  
  
"Oh, well, that's alright then. I have some homework to do too," Ashley said, trying to make it sound less like she didn't have a life without Ellie.  
  
They headed off for home, comparing the answers they had put for the math test. 


	13. A few more

Ashley got home, and headed immediately upstairs, into her bathroom. She locked the door, and went to check on the cut on her leg. It looked like any ordinary cut.   
  
"I don't know what I expected," Ashley said, a little embarrassed of herself, and covering up her leg. "Just because Paige accused me of cutting doesn't mean the cut'll turn green or anything. I really wish she'd just leave me alone. She's already taken Terri away from me, and convinced most of the school to hate me. Honestly, why does she have to keep tormenting me?"  
  
Ashley thought for a moment. "Well, if she's going to accuse me of cutting anyways, maybe I'll prove her right. It'd be a nice change for Paige, being right." Ashley pulled out the knife she had hid in the bathroom drawer, under her makeup. Without even thinking, she pulled up her sleeve and put the knife a few inches above her wrist and made a horizontal cut along her arm.  
  
The cut was deep; even deeper than the one had been on her leg, and it started bleeding almost immediately. She grabbed a tissue, and wiped up the drips. Deciding she didn't really want to wipe up all the blood, she threw the tissue away, and set her hand above the sink.   
  
The sight memorized Ashley. Quickly, before she could second-guess herself, she pulled the knife across in much the same fashion four more time, each time a little higher. The blood came out fast. Pretty soon, the sink was mostly a shade of red.   
  
Realizing her mom would be home soon, she grabbed some toilet paper and an ace wrap. She cleaned off the cuts with water, and covered them up with a few layers of toilet paper; enough so the blood probably wouldn't soak all the way through them. Then she wrapped the ace wrap around her arm to keep the tissue on. She rolled down her sleeve, but realized it looked sort of bulky.   
  
Ashley headed to her room, and grabbed her sweatshirt. It wasn't really super cold outside, but it was cold enough in the house to make having to wearing a sweatshirt convincing. She pulled it on over her head, and carefully put the cut arm through the sleeve. Deciding it looked ok, she headed downstairs, and turned the thermostat a few degrees lower. That way, if her mom wanted to know why the sweatshirt was on, she could say it was cold in the house, and the thermostat would back her up.   
  
"This was really easy," she thought to herself. But then she panicked. "I didn't clean the blood out of the sink!"  
  
She peered out her bedroom door, and saw Toby heading upstairs, to use the bathroom. Not even thinking, she ran to the bathroom, and slammed and locked the door.   
  
"Hey," Toby cried, "I was going to use the bathroom."   
  
"Guess you were too late," Ashley said. "Use the other bathroom!"   
  
Grumbling about what a pain Ashley was, he headed to the other bathroom.   
  
Ashley waited a reasonable amount of time, flushed the toilet, and ran the facet on the sink. She washed it out quickly, but really carefully; she made sure she got every last drop.   
  
After one last glance at the bathroom, she headed downstairs. 


	14. Discovery

The next day Ashley got ready for school. She was a little unsure of what to wear though. Obviously, short sleeves were out, but it was a little warmer outside.   
  
"Damn, how am I going to make this convincing?" she though ass she searched through her wardrobe. Deciding she'd just tell everyone she was cold, she pulled on a long sleeved black shirt. "It's not the best solution, but it'll have to do. Maybe when the cuts heal up, I'll wear bracelets over them." However, she knew that for now bracelets would just reopen the cuts.   
  
Ashley grabbed a muffin on her way out, and walked to the bus stop. She got on, and looked for Ellie. When she spotted her, she sat down next to her.   
  
"What's up Ash?"   
  
"Nothing," Ashley responded, cradling her cut arm. She knew she was being stupid; Ellie couldn't tell she had cut her arm, but she was still really paranoid. "How was your day?"  
  
"My relatives came over, and they did some catching up with my parents. It turns out my like, sixth cousin or something, is in a treatment facility. Remember how Paige accused you of cutting yourself yesterday? Well, that's what she did. Her name's Brittany, and apparently she is a lot like you: gets good grades, active in school, perfectionist. That's how she hid it so well."  
  
"Wow, did you know her well?"  
  
"Nah, she's not really closely related to me. But still, I did know her pretty well. Its weird, I mean, its not just weird that she was cutting herself, but its weird thinking about how cutting your own skin could feel good? I can't even imagine doing that, can you?" Ellie asked.  
  
"Yeah, I guess I can," Ashley said, thinking of the night before.  
  
"Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
Ashley realized her last sentence had been incredibly dumb. "Er, um, I mean…" she fumbled.   
  
"Ash?" Ellie asked, concerned.  
  
"I mean, I can imagine wanting a release for your problems. I mean, my release would probably be more along the lines of smacking Paige, but hey, it's a release, right?" Ashley said, hoping it was a believable recovery.  
  
"Um, yeah," Ellie said, a little confused. "You sure everything's good with you?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, nothing's wrong, "Ashley said stupidly, aware of exactly how incredibly dumb she sounded. She never had been a convincing liar.   
  
"Well, okay," Ellie said, still a little concerned. "But hey, if you ever need anything, I'm here, ok?"  
  
"Yeah, of course, I know that. So, what's happening with your cousin?" Ashley said, curious.  
  
"Oh, well, she's in that treatment facility. I guess they get group therapy and individual therapy. My aunt said she's doing better. Actually, she got put there because one of her attempts to cut got a little carried away. Brittany cut her wrists a little too deep, and she almost died. That's the only reason she got caught. She was really good at hiding it; nobody had any idea that she was doing that."  
  
"Wow, you'd think she'd be more careful," Ashley remarked.  
  
Ellie looked at her strangely and asked. "I guess when you're cutting, you're not really careful, don't you think?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know about that. Just because you cut, doesn't mean you lose all your common sense, right?"  
  
"I guess," Ellie agreed, as the school bus pulled up to Degrassi and the kids got out. "So, what's with the long sleeves? Its pretty warm out today."  
  
"Oh no," Ashley thought to herself, "She knows!"  
  
"Ash?"  
  
"Oh, um, I didn't check out what the weather was before I left the house. By the time I got outside, it was too late to change. Pretty stupid, huh?"  
  
"Nah, I've done that too," said Ellie, apparently believing her. "So, I'll see you during gym Ash?  
  
"Oh, gym, right. Yeah, see you then," Ashley said, separating from Ellie to go to class. "Damn," she thought to herself, "I forgot all about gym. I have a short sleeved gym shirt!" Ashley started panicking. What on Earth was she going to do?!  
  
The hours until gym passed way to quickly for Ashley. What could she do? But then she thought of something.  
  
"I have that long black sleeved shirt. I'll wear that under my gym shirt!" Pleased that she had come up with something, Ashley walked down to gym. Quickly, before Ellie came in, she started changing her shirt.   
  
"Hey Ash!" Ellie called in the locker room. It was poor timing; Ashley had just taken off her shirt. Ellie stopped dead in her tracks. She stared at Ashley's arms. "Oh my God, Ashley! What did you do to yourself?"  
  
"Er, um," Ashley was at a loss for words, not to mention in a total panic. "It was the bushes at in front of my house. I fell into them," Ashley answered lamely. She knew Ellie wouldn't buy that.   
  
"We have to talk. Now," Ellie demanded.  
  
Ashley got really defensive, really quickly. "No we don't." She put her regular shirt back on, and went over to they gym teacher. "I don't really feel good. Can I see the nurse?"  
  
"You do look a little pale," the gym teacher remarked. "Ok, go ahead."  
  
As she walked away, Ellie shot her a worried look. "Later," Ellie said to her, as she left the gym. 


	15. Home Sick

"Never," Ashley thought to herself, as she walked home. The nurse had called her mom, and she got permission to go home. Since her mom or Jeff couldn't pick her up, she said she'd walk home. She reassured the nurse it was only a few blocks, and she'd be fine.   
  
When she got home, Ashley tried to watch a little TV, but that only lasted a few hours. Ashley knew there was only one thing she wanted to do. She hadn't been able to really pay attention to the TV; all she could think of was cutting herself. It was an addiction now. Her mom walked in just as she was about to switch off the TV.   
  
"Ash, are you feeling any better?" her mom asked.  
  
"Oh yeah, much better. I slept for a few hours. I had the beginnings of a cold, and an awful headache. But the nap really helped a lot," Ashley reassured her, just wanting to get upstairs.  
  
"Good. At least its Friday; you'll have plenty of time to catch up. Hey, are you up for some homework? I picked it up on my way home from work. But if you aren't up to it, that's fine."  
  
"No, I'll do it upstairs. I don't want to get behind."  
  
"Alright. If you need any help, let me know."  
  
"Ok, thanks mom." 


	16. Ellie shows up

Immediately, when Ashley got upstairs, she headed into her bedroom. She grabbed an old towel from the scraps bag her mom kept for sewing, and put it on the floor and sat on it. Not even caring if her mom found her doing this, Ashley started cutting up both arms.   
  
Over and over and over and over. She wasn't even thinking anymore. Her mind was totally blank. All she cared about was the blood. She knew it was over. Ellie had found out. But now all she wanted to do was cut. She needed to cut. Had to cut.   
  
She didn't even notice the doorbell ring, and Ellie come in.  
  
"She's in her room Ellie. You can just go on up. If you two need something, I'll be in the kitchen," her mom said.  
  
"Thanks," Ellie said, taking the stairs two at a time.   
  
Ashley was still cutting her arms. Longer and deeper the cuts were. She was so involved, she didn't even notice Ellie open the door and walk in. She didn't notice anything until she heard Ellie gasp.  
  
"Oh my God! Ashley, what the hell are you doing?!" Ellie asked in a whisper, hardly able to believe what she was seeing.   
  
"Just leave me alone Ellie, I have to. You don't understand, I have to do this," Ashley said, sobbing. She had been crying while she was cutting, and she didn't even notice.  
  
"Stop it Ash. Stop it now!" Ellie said frantically. She took the knife away from Ashley. "What were you doing?"  
  
"Please, give it back," Ashley pleaded, still sobbing hard.  
  
"I can't do that," Ellie said. She put the knife in her pocket. Ashley started rocking back and forth, sobbing. Not even caring about Ashley's bloody arms, Ellie grabbed her in a hug, forcing her to stop rocking. "Ash, it'll be okay. Shhh, it'll be okay. Don't worry," Ellie just kept repeating. After a while, Ashley quieted down. She finally stopped crying.   
  
"We need to talk," Ellie said. "Away from your parents. Put on an old sweatshirt, and we'll go to my house. Oh, and I'm gonna grab a shirt too, I'm all bloody now. You can just sleep over tonight." She didn't leave any room for argument. Ashley packed an overnight bag.  
  
They headed downstairs, and Ashley called to her mom. "I'm going to Ellie's house. Is it alright if I sleep over?" Ashley was amazed at how normal her voice sounded. Her world was about to crumble.  
  
"Sure honey, that's fine. Have a nice time. Call me if you won't be home for dinner tomorrow, ok?"  
  
"Ok mom. Love you," Ashley said, as she kissed her mom goodbye.  
  
The few blocks to Ellie's house were silent, and they were the longest few blocks Ashley had ever walked in her whole life. 


	17. What now?

Nobody was home at Ellie's house.  
  
"My parents are out of town for the weekend, so we can sit and talk in the kitchen. Come on, I'll clean up your arms," Ellie said, monotone. She didn't really know what she'd say to Ashley. How to even begin to describe how scared she was.   
  
She pulled the antiseptic and gauze out of a first aid kit. After rinsing Ashley's arm in the sink, she put on the antiseptic.   
  
"Ouch!" Ashley cried, surprised at how much it hurt. She thought Ellie would say something, but Ellie just kept cleaning her arms. For a while, Ashley couldn't bring herself to look at Ellie, for fear of catching her eye, but she couldn't help herself. She brought her head up quickly, to look at Ellie. What she saw startled her.  
  
Tears were falling from Ellie's eyes. Not nearly as many as when Ashley had been crying before, no. They were slow tears.   
  
"Ellie…" Ashley said, trying to figure out what she could say. She had hurt Ellie, hurt her badly. But Ellie said nothing. She finished cleaning out the cuts, and put the gauze on it, taping it in place with medical tape. Without speaking a word, Ellie headed sat on a chair at the kitchen table. Not knowing what else to do, Ashley just stood there, and helplessly watched Ellie cry.   
  
"Ellie…" Ashley tried again. "Ellie…please…stop crying." Ashley asked, practically begging. "Yell at me, or scream, please. But don't cry. I can't handle watching you cry." But Ellie just kept crying. Ashley started to panic; this was all her fault. She was such a horrible friend. How could she do something so stupid? She's hurt Ellie, her only real and true friend.   
  
And just like that, Ashley had to cut. She looked around frantically. She knew Ellie was right there, but…  
  
Her eyes fell on a knife in the sink. It was drying after being washed. She took it, and brought it to her wrist. Ellie's eyes met Ashley's. A look of hurt and confusion came across them. Ashley pressed harder, and Ellie just looked at her. Ashley knew with just a bit more pressure, the knife would cut. The release would come, and she'd be able to deal. Just one cut…  
  
Ashley dropped the knife on the counter, and sank to the ground, sobbing again. She just couldn't do it, not with Ellie there. She couldn't hurt her friend like that. She put her head in her arms. She didn't want to see Ellie; she didn't want Ellie to see the look on her face.   
  
Ashley was in pain. So much emotional pain; the pain she had been covering with cutting. And now, when she was hurting the most, she couldn't cut. Well, she could, but she couldn't. Not with Ellie there.   
  
Ellie came over to Ashley and sat on the ground next to her. Ellie had stopped crying. She put her arms around Ashley. This time, she didn't tell Ashley to stop crying, she just held her.   
  
"Come on, lets go sit," Ellie said to Ashley softly. Ellie sat on the couch in the living room, and Ashley sat in Ellie's arms, still crying. Here, Ellie was helpless. She didn't know what to say. She had an idea of what to do, but she didn't know if Ashley would think it was a good idea.   
  
"I'm sorry Ellie, I'm so sorry. I just, I don't know. I had to. I needed to. I'm so so sorry. What do I do Ellie? I can't stop, I know I can't."  
  
"I don't know what to do, Ash," Ellie said honestly. "But I know someone who does."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Marco. His brother, he cut himself. Marco hasn't told anyone."  
  
"I didn't know Marco had a brother," Ashley said, through her tears.  
  
"He doesn't; not anymore. He bled to death, one night, when he was alone. Marco's only told me. I…I could call him. I mean, if its okay with you. Maybe he'll know what to do, because I don't."  
  
"I don't know…I…" Ashley saw the horrible look in Ellie's eyes. She looked like she was in physical pain. Ashley couldn't stand to see her that way. "Ok," she whispered.  
  
Ellie grabbed the phone from the receiver on the end table. She called Marco, and asked him to come over. Ashley couldn't hear his side of the conversation but she did here what Ellie said.  
  
"I know its late"  
  
"…"  
  
"Please, I really need you. Ash's here. It's… its kind of an emergency. You can sleep over, if it's okay with your parents. I…we…need you. Please?"  
  
"…"  
  
"Ok, thanks." Ellie hung up the phone. "He's coming over." 


	18. Marco comes over

They sat in silence, and waited for Marco. When the doorbell rang, Ellie got up to get it.  
  
"Ellie, you've been crying," Marco said, really concerned. "What's wrong?"  
  
"It's…Ash," Ellie said, not being able to bring herself to just say it.  
  
Ashley couldn't say it either.   
  
"Come on girls, what's wrong? Whatever it is, it can't be that bad!"  
  
Neither of them could say it, so Ashley pulled off the gauze, and held her arms for Marco to see. He took in a sharp breath.  
  
"Ok, so it can be that bad…" he trailed off. "Did you clean the cuts out?"  
  
"Yeah, I did that already," Ellie said.  
  
"They're still bleeding. How long have they been bleeding?"   
  
"A while now," Ellie responded.   
  
Ashley hated how they were talking. "They aren't bleeding that much anymore. Honest, they're okay."  
  
"You're not dizzy? You don't feel faint?" Marco asked. "Are you absolutely sure? You have to be absolutely completely sure."  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
He hugged her. "Sorry. That was sort of harsh. Its just…It was like seeing my brother again. He…he bled to death from cutting himself. He died before I could get to him, but… I couldn't have you bleeding to death, right in front of me. I'm going to get you a glass of juice. The cuts look deep, you probably bled a lot, huh?"   
  
Ashley nodded.   
  
"Then you need some fluids. Ellie, you have any juice?"  
  
"I'll get her some," Ellie said, jumping up. She was grateful to be doing something helpful, even if it was just getting juice.  
  
"So, physically, you're okay. How are you doing, mentally?" Marco asked.  
  
"I want…no wait…I need to cut. You holding me is the only thing stopping me from going into the kitchen and picking up a knife."  
  
"Then I'll keep holding you. Let me see the cuts again."  
  
Ellie walked in, just as Ash was uncovering her cuts. Ellie took in a deep, shuddering breath, and turned away. Ashley was going to cover them again.  
  
"Wait," Marco said.  
  
"But…I'm so ashamed," Ashley said, hanging her head.  
  
"You are now, but you weren't when you did it," Marco remarked. "Why Ash? Why did you do it?"  
  
"I…I…" Ashley started crying again.   
  
"It's okay," Marco said. "Here, take a drink."  
  
Ashley took a long drink of the apple juice Ellie had brought her.  
  
"Better?" Marco asked.  
  
"A little."  
  
"Ellie, why don't you tell me how Ash ended up here."  
  
"I saw some cuts on her arm during gym. She faked sick and came home, to avoid me. After school, I came over, and found her in her room, cutting her arms," she paused, and took a deep breath, then continued. "I brought her over here, away from her mom. I didn't know what else to do."  
  
"Its okay," Marco said. "We'll figure something out."  
  
They paused. No one really knew what to say. Well, Marco did, but he was hesitating. Finally, he just came out and said it.  
  
"I have to tell your parents," Marco said, with regret in his voice.  
  
"No! NO, YOU CAN'T!" Ashley shrieked. She got up, and tried to run, but Marco grabbed her. Ellie ran to the front door. Ashley broke away from Marco, determined to leave, but she couldn't get past Ellie. Ellie grabbed her, hugging her hard.   
  
"Please," Ashley said weakly, "Let me go." But she knew it was over. She let Ellie and Marco lead her back to the couch. Marco offered her the juice, and she took it, but didn't drink.  
  
"Come on, you have to drink it," Marco insisted, softly. So she did, without even thinking.  
  
"Ash, I have to tell your parents. But it'll be okay. It'll get better."  
  
"I…I…I just want to die right now," Ashley cried.  
  
"Now you do. But you'll get better, and then you won't anymore. But I really do have to tell your parents."  
  
"Tomorrow morning?" Ashley asked, hopefully. She could sneak away tonight, kill herself. No one would stop her.   
  
"Come on Ash. We both know what'll happen if we don't watch you. You need help, and you need someone to protect you. You have to be protected from yourself right now. The best help I can give you is to tell your parents. I'll recommend they take you to the ER, where you'll get admitted to the psych ward. Its what my parents threatened to do to my brother. But they never followed through. This time, the same mistake won't be made. You'll get better. But I'm going to call your mom now," Marco said, reaching for the phone.  
  
"No, please," Ashley pleaded.  
  
"Marco, maybe you don't have to…" Ellie trailed off.   
  
"Ellie, you know I do. She's in danger."  
  
"I don't want her to pick me up. Can't we walk over there?" Ashley asked, begging.  
  
"Ok, but you can't run. I'll just catch you anyways," Marco told her.  
  
"I won't run."  
  
And, with Ellie holding Ashley to comfort her, they left for Ashley's house.  
  
When they got there, Marco rang the doorbell. Ashley's mom answered.  
  
"Ellie, Ash, Marco? What's wrong?" Ash's mom asked.  
  
"Could we sit down?" Marco asked, leading Ash to the couch.  
  
~Fine~ 


	19. Author's Note

Wow, although it only took me a few days to write this, it totally drained me.   
  
I know it ends on an uncertain note, but I like stories that end that way. Although, for those of you who don't, rest assured there will be a part two. But it will be a separate story. I couldn't drag Ash's poor mom through the explanation. Besides, part two will have a new setting.   
  
I am almost positive there will be a part two. I haven't gotten a whole lot of reviews, but I think I'll go ahead with part two anyways.  
  
And now, for a whole bunch of crap many of you don't care about.  
  
I'm a cutter, and although I've never been caught, I put a lot of my feelings into Ash, while trying to stay true to her character, even if the situations weren't always the same. I really really hope I haven't glamorized cutting in any way. It's not glamorous; it's a horrible horrible way to cope with problems. I wish I had never started. Like Ash in the story, cutting is hard to stop; its an addiction. I'd like to tell any cutters to get help, but that'd be hypocritical. Just remember, you can always find someone to talk to. Even if it's just me. (My e-mail's the_misery_chick722@yahoo.com ).  
  
Let me know if you enjoyed (or hated) the story! I need some encouragement to put myself through writing a story. Its amazing how hard that was, simply because I felt myself in that story. So review guys! 


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